looser

today i realized that i have become the looser that i never thought i would become.
it is time to wake up,
smell the roses
drink the coffee
and get back on your feet !

thought on thoughts

today i came across a blog from a person who is very kind, polite, sweet.
who never express any hostility towards anybody except some boy in grade school.

in this blog she express resentment towards another person.
first thought is "phew"- she human after all.
-to this person, not that i dont think you are human, it's just that you are so perfect to me, (kind, never gets angry, polite, easy going) like a bo^` ta't.

second thought is "self doubts"- what if she feels this way about me but too polite to say it?!?

i am the same way, i never express any hostility towards anybody, except for like 3,4 people. you know they deserve it.
i like to be like/loved by everybody, so i am polite all the time, even when i dont want to. this by definition is a "faker".
it would be very funny if people see this faker in me, and hates that most about me.

"the reason i am unliked, is because i want to be liked"
"the more i tried to be liked, the more i am unliked"
"the more i am unliked, the more i tried to be liked"

what a vicious cycle!!!!!

thanks blogger, now i am gonna be depress all day!

tran thi tuyet nhung

i think i met her in 98, how can somebody fall in love so quick. i think i fell in love with her in just a blink of an eye. there must be something wrong with me.
i was back stab by a fuck face name Duong Nguyen. a guy who has all the girls in the world yet are jealous that Nhung likes me more than him. another relationship down the drain.
my mom never gave Nhung a chance, but really my mom never gave anybody a chance. i hated mother so much for that so much fighting, bickering, resentment .......makes my head hurts.

Nhung and i was never together, my chance with her quickly evaporated into thin air after Duong interfere.i was left wandering around sad and alone and keep on wondering "what if?!?"

what if...mother wasnt in the picture
what if i beat the shit out of duong nguyen and threaten to cut off his balls if he dares interfere
what if i had a clear chance
what if that clear chance leads to true love?
what if she said yes ?????

i guess i am one of the lucky one because my "what if" was answered
we are not ment for each other.
if we were married, to make her happy i would be sad and jealous all the time
there is no way in the world i could make her happy!
her personality would drive me up the wall, just like her husband.
she is a lovely girl, but we werent ment for each other.

why am I waiting for Armageddon

mankind is a disease to mother Nature
Agent Smith said it best when he said

"It came to me when I tried to classify your species...
There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague.."

war needs to break loose, all man kind need to die so that our species can survive!
when i say all i ment about 95%.
religion and racism must die if we are to survive as a species!

sandra burkhart of Camarillo

i first met Sandra in summer of 94. i was taking pre-calculus because i was so bored at home.
sandra was so awesome, pretty, funny, nice etc. she was the first girl who was interested in me.
our relationship ended when she found out i was 2 years younger than her.

i was so hartbroken, it hurts.
at the time i only own 1 cd, air supply.
while heart broken, i listen to this cd over and over again.
my sorrow somehow recorded into the songs, so whenever i hear any of the Air Supply songs
(especially "all out of love")i remember i sad i was.
16 years have pass and i am very currious how she is doing, and of course i found her on myspace and facebook.

i found out that she is married probably around 07ish.
i felt nothing, no jealous, no sorrow...nothing. "good for her i said with a smirk on my face@ 3 am in the morning". all Sandra is, is a memory

what i have learn is that going through life everything is a learning experience,
the good experience, the bad experience, the sour experience the nasty experience...we need to taste them all.

she probably doesnt remember this dorky little asian nerd who once love her so much. yes i was very heart broken when she dump me, but when she was with me, i was the happiest guy, the luckiest guy in the world.

LOST

i grew up in a buddhist family, i was taught the buddhist way of life since i was a child.
when looking at the man in the mirror, i see a lot of negativity in myself.
the one thing i that pride myself is that i am a good person. i am not the most decent person in the world but i am somewhere up there, i try to live the way buddha teaches us to live.

i have even more pride in myself when i join GDPT and temple groups, i feel more superior than other people, especially those who dont know the buddha's way.

requirement for wife given by my family is:
1) she has to be vietnamese
2) she has to be buddhist

at first these requirements doesnt seems so bad, until i fell madly in love with a catholic girl.
her family also have a "catholic" only policy.
honestly i dont mind converting to catholic, in fact i can convert to anything to be with that girl. satanism, racism, devilism, communism, nazism, greek mythologyism, anything/everything!!!!
the only problem is to be truely converted, you need to be converted in mind, body, and soul.
in these situations only my body is converted, not my mind especially not my soul.

when she left me, i am very curious about christian/catholics....basically jesus worshiper, they are all the same to me.

why do they congregate so tightly? why are they so strict?
so i research more about the bible, the more i study the more i hate this fucking religion.
i am not sure why she left me, it could be because of different of religion, it could be something else, but it doenst matter. the more i study the more i am furious of Jesus religion.
the religion is so evil, sexist, homophobic, hateful.

why is everybody congregate so tightly?? because they are brainwashed since birth. it is not enough that they are saved, they take it upon themselves to save other people. they are so brainwashed that their ways of thinking is "come with me to the kingdom of heaven or i will kill you!!!" and you know they would, if there are no laws against murder and genocide, you know they will come into your house and slit you throat at night.

after i notice this in Jesus religion, i also notice it in Muslim etc.
after i reflect on other people religion, i reflect on my religion:
"NOT MY religion, my religion is kind and peaceful, i know it !!! i am not the mindless zombie like the others???"
the more i think about it, the more i notice the same between mine and others! with some minor differences.
i am just as a mindless zombie as the others.

i am now so lost. if there are no heaven and no river of flames of hell, what is to become of me. this walking talking thinking sac of meat call himself Chinh
i am now entering my midlife, and i still havent accomplish anything, no goal, no destination.
i am so Lost.

what a waste of life !!!!!