LOST

i grew up in a buddhist family, i was taught the buddhist way of life since i was a child.
when looking at the man in the mirror, i see a lot of negativity in myself.
the one thing i that pride myself is that i am a good person. i am not the most decent person in the world but i am somewhere up there, i try to live the way buddha teaches us to live.

i have even more pride in myself when i join GDPT and temple groups, i feel more superior than other people, especially those who dont know the buddha's way.

requirement for wife given by my family is:
1) she has to be vietnamese
2) she has to be buddhist

at first these requirements doesnt seems so bad, until i fell madly in love with a catholic girl.
her family also have a "catholic" only policy.
honestly i dont mind converting to catholic, in fact i can convert to anything to be with that girl. satanism, racism, devilism, communism, nazism, greek mythologyism, anything/everything!!!!
the only problem is to be truely converted, you need to be converted in mind, body, and soul.
in these situations only my body is converted, not my mind especially not my soul.

when she left me, i am very curious about christian/catholics....basically jesus worshiper, they are all the same to me.

why do they congregate so tightly? why are they so strict?
so i research more about the bible, the more i study the more i hate this fucking religion.
i am not sure why she left me, it could be because of different of religion, it could be something else, but it doenst matter. the more i study the more i am furious of Jesus religion.
the religion is so evil, sexist, homophobic, hateful.

why is everybody congregate so tightly?? because they are brainwashed since birth. it is not enough that they are saved, they take it upon themselves to save other people. they are so brainwashed that their ways of thinking is "come with me to the kingdom of heaven or i will kill you!!!" and you know they would, if there are no laws against murder and genocide, you know they will come into your house and slit you throat at night.

after i notice this in Jesus religion, i also notice it in Muslim etc.
after i reflect on other people religion, i reflect on my religion:
"NOT MY religion, my religion is kind and peaceful, i know it !!! i am not the mindless zombie like the others???"
the more i think about it, the more i notice the same between mine and others! with some minor differences.
i am just as a mindless zombie as the others.

i am now so lost. if there are no heaven and no river of flames of hell, what is to become of me. this walking talking thinking sac of meat call himself Chinh
i am now entering my midlife, and i still havent accomplish anything, no goal, no destination.
i am so Lost.

what a waste of life !!!!!